Some of my first thoughts...

If you've ever had the opportunity to hang out with me, even for a few moments you know that I have a tendency to say things out loud that normal people are just thinking. I admit, my mouth moves a lot faster than my brain on many an occasion. Usually, these moments are my funniest.

I have these unwritten rules and guides that I unleash, usually only in the company of close friends, that I call "The Fat Girls' Guide to Style, Socializing and Life in General".

Long ago, I was told in a speech class that you cannot ridicule one particular group of people for your comedic speech unless you were in fact one among that group.

Ladies and gentlemen, I am a Fat Girl. It's a fact. There is no getting around it, no "I'm not fat, I'm big boned" (well, I'm that too....but still). So I shall unleash my fat girl fury and let you in on a few of my guidelines....

1. Fat girls NEVER should dance on a bar...no matter their intoxication levels or the pleading of friends. Look, here's the reality; it looks like it's a blast. Seriously, if I wasn't so freaking afraid of heights and well, fat, I'd probably totally revel in the moment. But when fat girls get on bars, people start starring...and their not looking at you because you look amazingly hot up there sweating like a whore in church, whipping your damp hair around like you are the star in Flashdance the Revival. No, their staring because they're waiting for either A) the bar to break from the weight B) a humiliating clothes malfunction C) you to bump one of the other girls off the bar with your earthquake moves or D) YOU to fall off the bar. Let me tell you, when D happens, NO one is going to catch you. No one. You will fall straight to the floor. No guy is going to catch you, fall madly in love with you and then sit there while you tell your kids the story of how you met.

2. Mesh, netting and see-through clothing is NEVER an option for a fat girl. NEVER. You are going to look like the whale that got caught in the tuna net. It reminds me of those disgusting goo toys where you squeeze this innocent looking ball with a netting around it and a different color ooze starts to stick through the holes. Seriously, it makes me want to vomit. Leave the mesh and such to someone who can pull it off way better than you probably ever will -- your gay cousin.

3. Remember, at times, YOU ARE THE FAT FRIEND. Here's the deal....when given the choice of who they want to show off -- guys will always pick the girl that looks like she's the slut/stripper/naughty babysitter...whatever. They're not going for the "looks like she could pack away the entire buffet" girl. There is no reason to get upset. Sure there are guys that might actually go for that....but chances are few and far between -- oh, and if you find one, send him my way.

4 (and my final guideline for today). You are not ALWAYS the fat girl. Yes, you read that right. Understand that as a fat girl, you can't be completely down on yourself. You have to have some confidence and know that at times, you look amazing and people are looking at you for the right reasons. Just know that you are not always the fat one. And revel in that moment.

Now, some people may read this and think "Geez, she's brutal. That's just wrong." or that maybe I have low self-esteem. Let me tell you this...I'm just someone who knows exactly what I'm dealing with. I know that I'm big and it's something I'm diligently working on (I've lost 45 lbs since March), but I also take amazing care of me...I eat right (for the most part...I can't pass up good food!), bathe more than regularly and most importantly don't wear mesh. I'm confident in myself and my abilities and know what I want. That's me.